me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
thinking about this
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence