Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

My dream car is a taco truck.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each