Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
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Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”