Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Social distancing in Australia:
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.