Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.