Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
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me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.