Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
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Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af