Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

🤣😂

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.