Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
No flush
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
