Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

Awesome parenting 😂

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house