Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
