Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
