Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
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HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue