Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

welp

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

Me as a therapist: omg same

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.