me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
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Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Close call…
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times