Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames