Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.