Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*