Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

Do not levitate over flowers