[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!