Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Become a minion. Get that bread.

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3