Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd