Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
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If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Easy enough.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.