Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
😾
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount