Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

subtitles are so good nowadays

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.