Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.