Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.