Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
April 1st is the class clown of days.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.