Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.