me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
me irl
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
The USS B port
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?