Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.