Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.