Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Guy who likes music

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.