Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
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Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”