Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video