Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will