Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
You Might Also Like
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
mentally somewhere in italy
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.