Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
You Might Also Like
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
*ernest hemingway voice*
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!