Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
You Might Also Like
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)