How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.