@TheNYAMProject

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

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@Reverend_Scott

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

@EffiMai

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

@ElgatoEsmio

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@tarrynklaudia_x

If there’s enough room to spell ‘bootylicious’ on the back of your shorts, it probably isn’t.

@illuminatedwndr

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

@kelkulus

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

@AmishPornStar1

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.