@TheNYAMProject

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

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@LorieGZ

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

@drinksmcgee

When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.

@ryan9billion

I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

@VexingVixxen

I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.

@david8hughes

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

@JeffLoveness

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

@tiemoose

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

@ThisOneSayz

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

@okimstillhungry

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E