Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

me to God

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

10: I think I want to run the 10k

Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence