Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…