Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I will never stop laughing at this
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”