Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.