Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

That’s incredible! 👌

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.