Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
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Real House Wines.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.