Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

*seductively eats two tums*

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

The news in a nutshell.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.