Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
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My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all