Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
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When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID