Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?