Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭