Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

Had a spot of bother earlier.

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

When I snag the last meatball.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.