Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.