Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

The biggest mystery of our time

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*