Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

Herpes is trending, good job people

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

Saw online –

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Oh the world we live in…

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.