ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
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Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I ate everything, including the H.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
road rage
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
i really liked this one
