Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic