ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
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HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.