ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no