Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

True

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

584.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]