Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”