Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.