me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Daughter: Daddy, I can鈥檛 sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I鈥檒l stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn鈥檛 finish your Ph.D.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I never understood how the little drummer boy鈥檚 parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you鈥檇 never let them learn to speak.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 馃槶馃張馃摵
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*