Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.