me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
fr
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.