Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat