Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

idk flipping houses looks really hard

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Safety first

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.