Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.