Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

Me when I’m ovulating

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Grandmother clock.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .