Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

how long have you had this for?

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.