Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.