Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
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Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I think I’m having a stroke
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out