Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

When someone trying to leave me

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.