Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
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Me in tagged photos
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit