Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
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I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Home #decor warning.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.